... but again I'm too lazy. Thus and plus the fact that I've got too much other things on my mind right now. My father's still in hospital and he doesn't know when they will let him go home yet. I've never been one of those persons who can't survive without company, I can be on my own for days... or maybe even weeks. And I rarely feel "homesick" as far as missing my family is concerned. But I do miss my father now... besides, life's become very stressful now that my brother and I have to do the complete housework, and with working, long days at uni and visiting my dad it is hard to find spare time at all. And even more difficult to find time for studying. So I'm gonna do that test tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that one without being prepared properly, just praying that somehow I will pass them. Cause I really need to pass these damn courses or I'll have to do them again next term, which I certainly don't want to do. On the plus side, I've got to bother with that stuff only 4 more days cause from next Thursday on till the middle of April I have vacation. I will spend a lot of my free time working then but hey, at least I get paid for it :o)

I've just finished another fanfiction, and I loathe it. I really do. Actually it was only meant to be a random practise for me, to train developing characters and describe atmospheres but ... it turned out totally crappish. Maybe this was due to the fact that I wrote it in English (yeah, go me! At least SOMETHING positive about it) and I'm not that sure about correct tenses and vocabulary yet... but I guess it would also have been worse than bad if I'd written it in German. Why the hell am I not able to write anything that's not so damn trivia?

I'm very critical towards myself when it comes to writing, cause I take it REALLY seriously. There are only a few of my stories that I like as they are, and that I'm content with. I'm basically always writing something, and I always have been ... at least for 10 years now. I guess most people don't realize how much writing actually means to me. If there is one thing that I want to achieve in life it's to publish a novel, I even know its plot and title already.

I practise developing a plot by writing a huge 11 chapter long Harry Potter fanfiction, I try to pay attention to things that I don't like about over novels I read. Many people have told me I'm a good ... or at least "okay" writer, but I don't know in how far their opinion is baised. And a friend even told me a few days ago, that I'm by no means talented enough to ever become a writer. Thanks a lot, mate ... you just crushed my only dream.

I know I'm no second Kafka ... or Fitzgerald ... or Huxley. I know that I'm not able to write anything but trivia. I know my style is in urgent need of improvement... but I want it so much. I want it more than anything else. I don't care if my novel would sell or not ... all I want to do is publish one... but I guess, that dream is never going to come true... :o(

I'm sorry about this long, depressing post... it's just, I needed to get this out... so Maia, that's why I'm happy for your mom.... if I can't make my dream come true, I'm glad she could ... :o)